Episode 45: From Isolation to Intimacy: Building Trust in Relationships
Intimacy is essential for growth, love, and community, requiring both trust and vulnerability. Dr. Ray Mitsch explores the profound connection between being known and the courage it takes to reveal our true selves. He emphasizes that vulnerability is the soul of love, highlighting how it fosters deep relationships and helps combat loneliness. Throughout this episode, listeners are invited to reflect on their own experiences with intimacy and the choices they make in their relationships. With insights drawn from a recent silent retreat, Dr. Mitsch illustrates how stepping into vulnerability can lead to transformative connections and a more authentic community.
Takeaways:
- Intimacy is not a constant state; it is a fleeting moment of connection.
- Vulnerability is essential in building trust and emotional intimacy within relationships.
- To experience true love, one must embrace vulnerability and risk being known.
- A community that fosters growth must prioritize intimacy over superficial connections and distractions.
- Intimacy is crucial for personal growth, love, and fostering a sense of community.
- We often confuse physical intimacy with emotional intimacy, yet they require different levels of vulnerability.
Links referenced in this episode:
Important Quotes from today's episode:
Some people are convinced that they are emotionally safe when they remained guarded, unexposed, and thick-skinned. They are cautious not to truly reveal themselves for fear in being seen for who they are, they will be exposed and ultimately left defenseless. Protected and unassailable, their relationships never go beyond a superficial level. At the same time, they lament the absence of the deep intimacy necessary for love. When we defend, protect, and guard we isolate ourselves into loneliness. We may escape severe emotional trauma, but in so doing, we miss the ultimate joys of true intimacy. Only by allowing ourselves to be vulnerable do we stand a chance at succeeding in love. If in the end, we are deceived, betrayed, or tricked, we can at least say we tried. And in a sense, we have succeeded if we do not allow the scars of experience to cause us to develop a thick and impenetrable skin. When we gain the insight to realize that vulnerability is the soul of love, we will surely heal and try again. — Leo Busgaglia
Transcript
Imagine for a moment that you are a road weary traveler.
Speaker A:You're tired, you're hungry, and wondering if there will ever be a safe place to rest.
Speaker A:You've been told there's an outpost ahead that provides safety information for the road ahead and people who understand what the journey is like.
Speaker A:You keep scanning the horizon, hoping against hope that it will be there.
Speaker A:Then, as you come over a rise in the terrain, you suddenly catch a glimpse of it.
Speaker A:There it stands, beckoning you to come and find the rest you need.
Speaker A:You're moments away from the outpost.
Speaker A:Welcome, everyone, to another edition of the outpost.
Speaker A:Welcome to the outpost, a digital place where we're building bridges back to faith and strengthening the bridges of faith as they currently exist.
Speaker A:That's really what we're all about here at the outpost, and we're attempting to build a community of faith that is built on authenticity and trust and grace and ultimately a commitment to intimacy.
Speaker A:And we'll.
Speaker A:That's some of what we're going to be talking about tonight.
Speaker A:I am.
Speaker A: een doing with students since: Speaker A:So that would be 15 years worth of these and averaging about two a year.
Speaker A:So we're somewhere in the vicinity of 25 to 30 of these retreats, and many people walking through and walking through it together with them.
Speaker A:We do that.
Speaker A:So what is this all about?
Speaker A:What is the outpost?
Speaker A:Why is it important?
Speaker A:Why should you bother taking the time to listen?
Speaker A:And really, what we desire to do, what I desire to do in creating this podcast was at least in a digital way, and hopefully, Lord willing, at some point, a real time way, create a space where the doubters and the wounded and the beat up and beat down, the confused, the bent and bruised, who feel like their lives are a disappointment to God, can feel accepted, accepted enough to know and be known by others.
Speaker A:And interestingly enough, this weekend was a prime example of that, and I'll tell you about it in a second.
Speaker A:But we want to be a place where people can bump into the biblical Jesus, not the one that is often caricatured by the culture that we live in.
Speaker A:So pull up a chair, relax, get comfortable.
Speaker A:I want to talk about the key issues that are part of becoming part of this community, a digital community, where we are committed to living life with others and with ourselves and with Jesus ultimately.
Speaker A:And that's really what this is all about.
Speaker A:So the outpost itself is a outgrowth, too many outs here, but it's an outgrowth of the ministry of stained glass International.
Speaker A:I refer to it as SGI.
Speaker A:And the vision for that was to create a space, as I mentioned before, where we could learn to trust others, to live authentically, not with a mask on of some sort, and be able to create the kind of spaces where people feel safe to be in.
Speaker A:And I, like I mentioned, I am fresh off of a silent retreat, and that's kind of the bookend for the weekend for me.
Speaker A:And this is what happened at this retreat is very much the embodiment of what I'm talking about in probably the last five or six episodes where we have been talking about the dimensions, the aspects or characteristics of a community of people that's committed to redemption and willing to enter in and in some respects get dirty with the lives that people live, because oftentimes the people that don't want to jump in and be a part and to listen and I, and even struggle with the issues that are really hard, they're not easy to resolve.
Speaker A:There's no simple answers.
Speaker A:And that's really what this weekend has been.
Speaker A:And I have seen a group of people, nine students, come in, and they came in with fear, and they left with connection.
Speaker A:And that was very much a testimony to the risks they were willing to take and the willingness to have narratives that they had in their heads about themselves and about God and other people to be.
Speaker A:Have them confronted and have them be challenged in some way.
Speaker A:And that's not an easy thing to do.
Speaker A:I said to them as we were leaving today that I have been around a lot older christians, older in terms of years in the faith than these students were.
Speaker A:And these guys showed far more courage than a lot of the older christians that I've been around, because they were willing to risk being seen and being known and finding out that the people that are seeing them and knowing them are, one, just like them, and two, are more than happy to unfold them in grace and compassion, unlike what they actually experience.
Speaker A:So that that's.
Speaker A:That is something, and that is a side benefit in some respects, maybe, maybe not even a side benefit, a primary benefit of this, of silence and solitude.
Speaker A:And it is not something that has been central, I think, to a lot of christians lives.
Speaker A:We live lives of noise and a lot of static and a lot of distraction.
Speaker A:I had somebody say as we were leaving and debriefing the weekend, I never realized how committed or even addicted I was to distraction.
Speaker A:And that's the way we end up finding, or maybe I should say it this way.
Speaker A:That's the way that's the strategy we end up using to modulate or to regulate our emotions instead of actually learning how to live into them, embrace them, and learn how to regulate them, because.
Speaker A:And so we never learn.
Speaker A:We just do the doom scroll and, or the death scroll, whatever you want to call it.
Speaker A:And our minds, quote unquote, our minds are taken off of it.
Speaker A:Now, I would say our minds really aren't taken off of it.
Speaker A:They're just distracted from it.
Speaker A:And, you know, it'd be like a kid taking a kiddo into the pediatrician and he has to get a shot.
Speaker A:And what do you do?
Speaker A:Well, you try to distract them.
Speaker A:Does it hurt any less?
Speaker A:No, they're still tears.
Speaker A:But it's that moment that is going to occur.
Speaker A:And that same thing happened even this weekend.
Speaker A:And I walk away nothing less than inspired by what I saw.
Speaker A:And the other piece of it that I am particularly humbled by is that I get the opportunity to see God move in remarkable ways, in ways that oftentimes are shocking.
Speaker A:I mean, just shocking in, in terms of the people that.
Speaker A:That come in and seem very well defended and very well ensconced behind their, their wall of protection.
Speaker A:And by the time we slowly but surely get to the end, they're starting to push some of the blocks out of the wall so they can see and hear other people on the other side of.
Speaker A:And that's really the same concept.
Speaker A:It's just a different one, but it's the same one as the one that I talk about with the stained glass.
Speaker A:Self is we hide behind images for people to believe is us, an image that is us, but we still are safely protected behind it.
Speaker A:And the image may not be.
Speaker A:In a lot of cases, we make an image that is socially approved of, but it may not match what's going on behind the glass.
Speaker A:And so there's a lot that goes into it.
Speaker A:And if you ever have any inclination or interest at all about doing a silent retreat, check us out.
Speaker A:I am always interested.
Speaker A:I'm not saying willing, because I have a very torrential kind of teaching schedule through the year, but we're willing to at least consider the possibility of doing retreats and, and working together with our host, sacred heart jesuit retreat house in Sedalia, to be able to host a group and allow them the opportunity to see this happen firsthand and participate in it.
Speaker A:Not sit as spectators, but sit as true participants in it.
Speaker A:So enough of that.
Speaker A:What I want to finish with, and this is we have been walking through kind of the aspects or the characteristics of a redemptive community.
Speaker A:That which is committed to the growth of everybody within it.
Speaker A:Where people are as committed to the other person's growth as they are with their own.
Speaker A:That does not mean that they are so committed to other people's growth.
Speaker A:That they can avoid or distract themselves from doing their own.
Speaker A:A redemptive community requires all of us in the sense that we have to be equally committed to growing and engaging and participating in this thing.
Speaker A:That's called the redemptive enterprise that God has initiated into the human story.
Speaker A:So tonight, this is kind of the crowning glory I will have in the future episodes.
Speaker A:We're going to be pivoting to looking at the landscape of Gen Z.
Speaker A:And its relationship with the church.
Speaker A:And I am busy getting some appointments set up.
Speaker A:To be able to interview some people that I think you might find interesting to listen to.
Speaker A:But in the meantime, we are going to land.
Speaker A:And I have been talking about and kind of building this pyramid of dimensions of relationships.
Speaker A:Dimensions of the.
Speaker A:Or the characteristics of the relationships within the outpost.
Speaker A:And the outpost is a place of safety.
Speaker A:That allows us to take the mask off.
Speaker A:And be known as we are.
Speaker A:And be able to retool and refurbish.
Speaker A:And get information for the road ahead.
Speaker A:And find traveling companions as well.
Speaker A:So the characteristics that we've already talked about is the nature of truth and how we understand it.
Speaker A:And we talked a little bit about the difference between big t truth, the stuff that is true about God.
Speaker A:And what he describes about us in our relationship with him, and just flat out reality.
Speaker A:Big t truth is universal.
Speaker A:It applies to everybody.
Speaker A:And then we talked about a little.
Speaker A:A different kind of truth.
Speaker A:And that was little t truth.
Speaker A:Now, these are convenient categories.
Speaker A:They are nothing rigid in any way, shape or form.
Speaker A:But little t truth is unique only to me.
Speaker A:It's not your.
Speaker A:And I hate to say it this way.
Speaker A:Because this is part of our postmodern culture.
Speaker A:In how we think about it and talk about it is, you know, your truth is your truth, and my truth is my truth.
Speaker A:But usually that kind of truth is talking about a big t truth.
Speaker A:That is flexible and elastic.
Speaker A:And you can call it whatever you want, and you can name it however you want.
Speaker A:And that's not what I'm talking about here.
Speaker A:I'm talking about that when I choose to be vulnerable.
Speaker A:And allow somebody to see the inner landscape of my own heart, that's the truth that I'm talking about.
Speaker A:That's not the other one that we hear so often.
Speaker A:So little t truth is unique to me.
Speaker A:It's my dreams and hopes and discouragements and excitement and joy.
Speaker A:And all of that is very much part of the little t I will experience joy differently than you will.
Speaker A:And that's, that's the difference between little t truth.
Speaker A:The key thing that we mentioned during that time was, is that if you're going to reach out and help somebody else and, and your, your propensity or your impulse is to slap on a big t truth.
Speaker A:Now, when I say it that way, I'm not saying it's bad, but what I am saying is that a ill timed big t truth experienced by the person who gets that truth as a weapon, as being, as being wounding, and it doesn't matter what your intent is, the only thing that ultimately matters is the impact it has.
Speaker A:And so when we're trying to reach out and trying to connect with other people, we need to understand, one, what kind of truth they're talking about.
Speaker A:And two, how can I enter their world and understand that little t truth as a means to perhaps reflect, not speak, but reflect the big t truth?
Speaker A:Because I can.
Speaker A:I actually saw it this weekend.
Speaker A:I saw the love of God and the compassion of God reflected in relationships.
Speaker A:And I will tell you that is far more powerful than some profound words we, we come up with that are really suited to help me feel helpful and avoid feeling helpless rather than suited for the person.
Speaker A:And so when we're told to speak truth in love, in love takes into account the other person's needs.
Speaker A:And it's during that that I was talking about that the people need your presence, not your profundity.
Speaker A:And that's a key term, if you will, or a key phrase to take into that.
Speaker A:The second one we looked at is control and trust.
Speaker A:And I made the assertion that control and trust cannot coexist.
Speaker A:Trust and risk always coexist.
Speaker A:And we looked at the various dimensions of that, how we think our way through it, how what feelings tend to drive it.
Speaker A:And then we, then we dove into boundaries.
Speaker A:And what does that look like?
Speaker A:And how, how do I learn how to be responsible for myself and, and be responsible to other people and care for my own heart and those kinds of things?
Speaker A:And then beyond that, we looked at forgiveness and repentance and reconciliation and many of the distortions that exist in the Christian's mind around that very thing.
Speaker A:We took a short off ramp to talk a little bit about the lie that is prevalent in our society today, that I just need to forgive myself, which you cannot do.
Speaker A:It would be, you know, it would well, go back and listen to the episode, I'm not going to launch into that now.
Speaker A:And then the last one, the one that we finished up last time, was talking about conflict.
Speaker A:And how there is such a thing as constructive conflict.
Speaker A:And in conflict, we actually are known.
Speaker A:And so I said a couple different things about that when I said that conflict is the gateway to intimacy.
Speaker A:And that is where we are tonight, is intimacy.
Speaker A:And the thing I want to drive home just to get us out of the gate.
Speaker A:Is that intimacy is not an ongoing state.
Speaker A:It is a moment.
Speaker A:It is fleeting, really, in a lot of ways.
Speaker A:That is the nature of humanity and our humanness.
Speaker A:To experience intimacy in these moments that we cherish without a shadow of a doubt.
Speaker A:But at the same time, we cannot fall into the trap of thinking that this is how it's going to be all the time.
Speaker A:It really isn't a.
Speaker A:And ultimately, it gets us into trouble, because then our expectations get in the way.
Speaker A:And so the thing to keep in mind here when we're talking about intimacy.
Speaker A:Is we are not talking about sexual intimacy at all.
Speaker A:We're talking about emotional and spiritual intimacy.
Speaker A:And what that actually looks like.
Speaker A:And like I said, it is a moment in time.
Speaker A:It is not necessarily an ongoing state of affairs between the people that are involved.
Speaker A:I will tell you unequivocally that the people that I watched today or this weekend on this retreat were experiencing intimacy in an extremely powerful way.
Speaker A:It is so disorienting, because oftentimes we substitute and settle for things that are far less intimate in terms of intimacy, far less that, because we don't really believe that we can get it.
Speaker A:We don't really think that it's possible.
Speaker A:And so part of that, the question I would.
Speaker A:I would put to you is, what space will you live in?
Speaker A:Because we have a choice to make.
Speaker A:And the space that we're most comfortable in is the one between our ears, living in the space in our heads.
Speaker A:And so much of our relationships actually conducted in our heads, it is not conducted in real time.
Speaker A:Which leads me to the other space.
Speaker A:And that is the space between us.
Speaker A:And just like outer space is so dangerous, the space between us here on Earth is equally as dangerous.
Speaker A:Because people have the freedom to choose.
Speaker A:They have the freedom to think on their own.
Speaker A:They have the freedom to do all the things that, quite honestly, absolutely terrify us.
Speaker A:I had somebody in the group today who had already made a decision about what everyone else in the group thought about this person.
Speaker A:And I put to that person, I put to them, why you're so sure that that's what they're thinking.
Speaker A:Why don't you ask them?
Speaker A:And when she did, the person was in for a real shock.
Speaker A:It was a real shock that people did not think the way she did.
Speaker A:And this is the only way that we will ever rewrite the narratives in our heads where we conduct the majority of our relationships.
Speaker A:We conduct relationships with the other person in our head rather than in real time, because it is way more dangerous, it is way more risk taking, but it is way more powerful in terms of intimacy and trust than anything we could ever begin to experience.
Speaker A:And that's true in our relationship with God as well, is that a lot of times, if you check it out, we think for God a lot, too.
Speaker A:And so, you know, there's part of me screwed up, crazy part of my brain that God's up there kind of, and I don't think he has a head to scratch, but scratching his head and saying, what are you talking about?
Speaker A:That thought never even occurred to me.
Speaker A:And the funny thing about it is in some scripture in the Old Testament, God actually says that about some of the actions of the Israelites, that the things that they did, it had never even occurred.
Speaker A:Now, obviously, in the literal, that is not true, but it was a way of saying, the depths to which you have fallen are absolutely remarkable.
Speaker A:And so we have to be careful, which I have said over and over again on this podcast, we need to define our terms, because intimacy, more often than not, is reduced to physical intimacy.
Speaker A:And I would suggest to you that there's a reason for that, because physical intimacy is a whole lot safer, even though it's hard to gain, too.
Speaker A:But it's a whole lot safer than emotional and spiritual intimacy is.
Speaker A:It takes a lot more work, and it takes a lot more risk in a lot of cases with physical intimacy, I can.
Speaker A:I've seen people, they're happy to offer up their body so they don't have to offer up their heart and their soul, and that's the trade they're willing to make.
Speaker A:So the question is, is what space will you live in?
Speaker A:Because if it's.
Speaker A:If intimacy is what you desire to know and be known, then you cannot do it without risk.
Speaker A:Now, what is it?
Speaker A:What is intimacy?
Speaker A:Well, Merriam Webster Webster has a way of thinking about it and defines it, actually as making something of a personal or private nature known publicly or formally.
Speaker A:And that's a pretty formal definition of it, I think, in some respects.
Speaker A:One way to define intimacy is to break the word up and break it up into me.
Speaker A:See, that's intimacy.
Speaker A:I invite someone to see me.
Speaker A:And that's exactly why we don't want that to happen, because we have already thought for them about when they see me, what conclusions they will make.
Speaker A:And that's what is so powerful about being seen, being known, and being loved.
Speaker A:And that's very much a part of it.
Speaker A:So ultimately, intimacy is knowing and being known, and that's an increasing commodity.
Speaker A:It is not a static one by any means.
Speaker A:It's a dynamic one that is always going on.
Speaker A:And so if I desire to be a part of a relationship that I seek to have intimacy and to know and be known by the other person and for them to do the same with me, then I've got work to do.
Speaker A:Because if I have not done the work necessary to know myself, then what is it that I share with other people?
Speaker A:Because if all that I have ever done is really just constructed an image of who I am, then that is what I share with people.
Speaker A:And then when they say, hey, I think I've gotten to know you pretty well, usually what we will say is, no, you don't, because I've been hiding it this entire time.
Speaker A:And so I've got to do some work.
Speaker A:If I want to engage or have an intimate relationship with someone, to be known by them and to find them as safe people in my life, then I've got to do some work to be able to know who is it I'm giving away?
Speaker A:Because there's a basic axiom here that I would put to you, you can't give away something you don't own.
Speaker A:And if you don't own your heart, then you're going to have a really tough time giving it away to anyone.
Speaker A:And that requires work.
Speaker A:Now, I'm not talking about physical labor.
Speaker A:I'm talking about some pretty scary stuff to enter into that we perhaps have made an undying commitment to hide.
Speaker A:And the worst part about a lot of this is that we long to be known, but we run from being known.
Speaker A:Because if somebody knows me, we, like I said, we tend to already decide what they're going to conclude.
Speaker A:They're going to conclude just like what I do.
Speaker A:And that's the way we see it.
Speaker A:So I've got to do the work necessary to know myself well enough so that that self is something I own enough to give away to someone else.
Speaker A:And that's one of the failings a lot of relationships today is what we give away is not our self.
Speaker A:It's what we hope for or aspire to, rather than the self of who we actually are.
Speaker A:And then when we're accepted, we have an escape hatch to say, well, that's not, they're just being nice.
Speaker A:They don't really know me the way I know me.
Speaker A:And if they did know me the way I know me, they wouldn't like me either.
Speaker A:And so I keep my distance, and I manage the distance with other people.
Speaker A:So intimacy is not what we reduce it to.
Speaker A:And it gets in the way, even some of our own self definitions about it gets in the way of being able to even experience it, even on minor levels, if you will.
Speaker A:That tells us a little bit about what it is.
Speaker A:Why is it so important?
Speaker A:I mean, after all, why, why do we want this thing so bad?
Speaker A:And ultimately, the one thing we know, and I'll show you what I mean in a second, but the one thing we know is intimacy is required for growth.
Speaker A:And the reason I say that is that we have instances, even in the psych field, of something we call failure to thrive, where children who have not been known, their needs have not been known, their emotional states have not been known, any of that is not known, then they don't thrive.
Speaker A:And probably the most celebrated or well known, not celebrated, but most well known instance of this was when the Iron Curtain fell and Romania had a lot of children.
Speaker A:I don't know what the actual numbers were in orphanages, their parents had been put to death or had died in the war, or they had been persecuted by the dictator in Romania.
Speaker A:And so you had all these kids in these orphanages, and something that they found is that they might have 50 children with one caregiver, and they got all their physical needs met, but they didn't get the need to be touched and to be known and to be looked at and to, and to have a sense of connection to a human.
Speaker A:And because of that, they died because we needed to grow.
Speaker A:We need intimacy to grow.
Speaker A:The second thing that we need in this response, in this aspect, in terms of why it is so important, is that intimacy is absolutely essential for love.
Speaker A:And that's exactly why we know.
Speaker A:I think in our heart of hearts, we know that that is necessary.
Speaker A:But in our heart of hearts, we're terrified of being known like that.
Speaker A:And so what I want to share with you is an extremely profound quote, and I'll put it into the show notes, if you're interested, that you can see it there, but it's by an author by the name of Leo Biscaglia.
Speaker A:And he says this, and this is really pretty remarkable.
Speaker A:He says some people are convinced that they are emotionally safe.
Speaker A:When they remain guarded, unexposed and thick skinned, they are cautious not to truly reveal themselves for fear.
Speaker A:In being seen for who they are, they will be exposed and ultimately left defenseless, protected and unassailable.
Speaker A:Their relationships never go beyond a superficial level.
Speaker A:At the same time, they lament the absence of the deep intimacy necessary for love.
Speaker A:And when we defend, protect and guard, we isolate ourselves into loneliness.
Speaker A:We may escape severe emotional trauma, but in so doing, we miss the ultimate joys of true intimacy.
Speaker A:And this is the punchline.
Speaker A:Only by allowing ourselves to be vulnerable do we stand a chance at succeeding in love.
Speaker A:If in the end, we are deceived, betrayed or tricked, which is with humans, is often we can at least say we tried.
Speaker A:And in a sense, we've succeeded.
Speaker A:If we do not allow the scars of experience to cause us to develop a thick and impenetrable skin, when we gain the insight to realize that vulnerability is the soul of love, we will surely heal and try again.
Speaker A:Now, I will tell you that this weekend of those students that were in my silent retreat, they lived that out where he, where Basceglius says, vulnerability is the soul of love.
Speaker A:And vulnerability was the very thing they were completely terrified of, rightfully so, because a lot of the people that they had invested themselves into with their vulnerability had abused and used it.
Speaker A:And basically what we end up doing, just like, just like Baskeglia talks about, is that we, we defend, protect, and guard.
Speaker A:And when we do that, we isolate ourselves into own loneliness.
Speaker A:I don't think it's any accident that oftentimes the, the Z generation is referred to as the lonely generation.
Speaker A:And that's a lot of what counselors oftentimes hear, is people saying how lonely they are.
Speaker A:So intimacy is not only essential for growth, it is also essential for love.
Speaker A:And the last thing is, it is essential for community for us to feel connected not only to an individual, but to individuals who know us.
Speaker A:That is important for our understanding of ourselves and also our opportunity to invest in others.
Speaker A:And so the thing I would, I would point out is that the way maybe to think about our worlds is in terms of circles of community.
Speaker A:I have a very small circle of people that I would consider intimates.
Speaker A:They know pretty much everything there is to know, or at least everything that I know about myself and that's shared on a more or less regular basis.
Speaker A:It varies over time, and that's the intimates.
Speaker A:It's regular, relatively small, and then you go out a little bit more, and all of these circles are embedded within each other.
Speaker A:So the next one out, the next circle outside of that is best friends, and they're close, but we don't, we may not be able to stay in touch as regularly as we hope for, but they know, and they are good, good friends and maybe even best friends.
Speaker A:And then you get even farther out and you get into acquaintances where you know people by, by sight, you know their name, you know some of the basics, but that's really about it.
Speaker A:And then, and then even beyond that.
Speaker A:And it's not really a circle, it's just everyone else.
Speaker A:And it.
Speaker A:We live in these circles of community simultaneously in a lot of ways.
Speaker A:We move in and out of them.
Speaker A:We may, we look usually to the intimates to recharge our souls.
Speaker A:And that really is very much a part of the landscape, I think, for community to exist.
Speaker A:But we have to be willing to risk trusting and exercising enough judgment, a healthy judgment, maybe I should say, evaluation of the people that I'm investing my vulnerability in.
Speaker A:Not everybody is worthy of it.
Speaker A:And I'm not saying they're not a value or not of worth.
Speaker A:It doesn't have anything to do with that.
Speaker A:But if they've never demonstrated the ability to handle some of the things that I have, I share with them, then maybe I should be a little bit more cautious and not go whole hog into it.
Speaker A:I have seen way too many people be vulnerable with someone trying to turn them into the intimate they want them to be.
Speaker A:And they end up being very disappointed or hurt, incredibly hurt.
Speaker A:And that requires some level of our ability to judge the character of the other person.
Speaker A:I'm not saying judge their worth or value as a person, but we need to be able to evaluate people and to understand who's safe and who isn't, who's trustworthy and who isn't.
Speaker A:And so it's important for growth, it's important for love, and it's important for community.
Speaker A:And we need all of those things as part of the landscape of our lives.
Speaker A:And so let me leave you with one last quote, and this is from Cs Lewis.
Speaker A:This one's probably one that you may or may not have heard before.
Speaker A:You may have heard, actually.
Speaker A:And this is what he says, and it's very similar in tone to what Leo Biscaglia said.
Speaker A:Cs Lewis says, to love at all is to be vulnerable.
Speaker A:Love anything, and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.
Speaker A:If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, your heart, you must give it to no one, not even an animal.
Speaker A:Wrap it carefully around with hobbies otherwise known as distractions and little luxuries.
Speaker A:Avoid all entanglements.
Speaker A:Lock it up.
Speaker A:Safe in a.
Speaker A:In the casket or coffin of your own self centeredness.
Speaker A:And in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change and it will not be broken.
Speaker A:It will become unbreakable, impenetrable and irredeemable.
Speaker A:To love at all is to be vulnerable.
Speaker A:And that's the dilemma we find ourselves in when we start talking about intimacy.
Speaker A:Now, understand that the dimensions or the aspects or characteristics that I have been talking about all build on each other.
Speaker A:You cannot have intimacy and still be in control and safe behind your little wall.
Speaker A:You cannot.
Speaker A:You cannot have intimacy without forgiveness.
Speaker A:You cannot have intimacy without tolerating conflict and differences between you.
Speaker A:You can't have any of that.
Speaker A:So all of these things come together to create the landscape of a community of people, an outpost of people that can help each other walk.
Speaker A:This journey we have in life and with Jesus and be able to grow as a result of it.
Speaker A:And like it or not, we all need travel companions.
Speaker A:We may not.
Speaker A:We may have come to the conclusion we don't because we've been so incredibly failed by some people, but we still need them.
Speaker A:That doesn't negate the reality of that.
Speaker A:So my question to kind of leave you with to get you thinking is, what kind of relationship or community do you want?
Speaker A:And I would suggest there are two possibilities.
Speaker A:One is a community that tells people how they should be.
Speaker A:And I call it the you should community.
Speaker A:It sets up all sorts of rules of engagement and other things.
Speaker A:And as long as you abide by them, you're okay.
Speaker A:But if you go south, or your life goes south or relationships go south, then you lose your connection with the community.
Speaker A:And a you should community makes it very difficult to grow.
Speaker A:You can create an appearance of growth, but it's very difficult to grow.
Speaker A:The other kind of community is not one that is dictating to other people what they should do.
Speaker A:It is the kind of community that says, yeah, me too.
Speaker A:I've been in that.
Speaker A:That place before.
Speaker A:I know how hard that is.
Speaker A:Tell me more.
Speaker A:Let's walk this journey together and find out more about how to.
Speaker A:How to do life.
Speaker A:And that's one thing.
Speaker A:So what kind of community do you want?
Speaker A:And then the second one, which is pressing in a little harder, is what kind of community do you tend to create?
Speaker A:Because, quite honestly, it's.
Speaker A:It's a lot safer to have a you should community where you're dishing out all of these pearls of wisdom about how people should live.
Speaker A:But you're safely ensconced behind your wall of invulnerability and safety and lonely at the same time.
Speaker A:So what kind of community do you create, and what kind of community do you want?
Speaker A:And that will determine to some degree what happens in the outpost that you're a part of.
Speaker A:So that is it for tonight.
Speaker A:Sgi dash net.org.
Speaker A:that is the digital home for stained glass international and all things SGI related in terms of community and resources and anything else that you might be interested in, that is the home.
Speaker A:If you have questions, there's a contact form at the bottom of the homepage that you can always pose a question, or you can dm me on Instagram at SG International, or on Facebook stained Glass International.
Speaker A:So any of those social media outlets you can connect with us.
Speaker A:We've got digital devotionals there.
Speaker A:If you'd like to have something once a week that reminds you about the boundaries stuff that I was talking about.
Speaker A:Less than a cost of a latte.
Speaker A:At one point in time, I could say it's the cost of a latte, but now it's less.
Speaker A:It's a lot less.
Speaker A:I just had one recently.
Speaker A:I was like, took my breath away.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker A:And that's, that's, that's that in terms of the devotion devotionals, the other one is, is that we.
Speaker A:I do a periodic podcast called Unscripted, the collected wisdom of life, living in sorrow.
Speaker A:And so the next one coming up here shortly is one that I will be talking a little bit about, a buzzword as part of christian culture that I have been grinding my gears about.
Speaker A:And it's about time that I just unload so that I don't know if you want to listen, listen.
Speaker A:If you don't, whatever.
Speaker A:It's going to be for my.
Speaker A:My catharsis, probably more than anything.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker A:And you're welcome to listen in just to see what craziness comes out.
Speaker A:So the other part of this is we are on, like I already mentioned, three social media outlets.
Speaker A:Instagram, I told you wrong, International.
Speaker A:Facebook is stained Glass International, and then, of course, in LinkedIn is still connected to my name.
Speaker A:So it's Doctor Mitchell Mitsch.
Speaker A:So whatever platform you want, you can find us on most podcast platforms of Spotify and I heart and Amazon and Apple Apple podcasts.
Speaker A:So if you're interested in that, if you want to partner with us, we would be ever so grateful to be able to create and continue to build a scholarship fund to allow people that can't afford to go to one of these silent retreats.
Speaker A:To go.
Speaker A:All of the gifts and donations are tax deductible.
Speaker A:You can do it on the website using the donate button on the homepage.
Speaker A:If you'd rather send us a physical check, you're welcome to do that.
Speaker A: , Eastlake, Colorado: Speaker A:I'll probably talk about each in in successive podcasts so I don't bore you to death.
Speaker A:Probably most of you are gone anyway, so I think that's it for tonight.
Speaker A:Thanks so much for joining me.
Speaker A:I appreciate your time and value your attention.
Speaker A:I pray that it will be encouragement and challenge as you look at your relationships and follow us regularly@sgi.net.
Speaker A:and until next time, I'll be here.
Speaker A:We'll see if you are.
Speaker A:Love you later.
Speaker A:Bye.
