Episode 47: From Stained Glass to Transparency: Embracing Our True Selves
Authenticity is the cornerstone of meaningful relationships, as discussed by Dr. Ray Mitsch in this episode of the Outpost podcast. He dives into the complexities surrounding the concept of being genuine and the societal pressures that often lead us to present a curated version of ourselves. Dr. Mitsch emphasizes that true authenticity cannot be engineered; it emerges naturally through vulnerability and honest connections with others. He explores the role of fear and shame in hindering our willingness to be open, highlighting the importance of grace and compassion in fostering an environment where individuals feel safe to express their true selves. Ultimately, he encourages listeners to reflect on their own authenticity and consider how they can cultivate deeper, more genuine relationships within their communities.
Takeaways:
- Authenticity is about being genuine and known as we truly are, not just as we want others to see us.
- The challenge of authenticity often stems from our fear of disconnection and rejection.
- Being fully authentic requires vulnerability, which can be a daunting prospect in relationships.
- Grace and compassion play crucial roles in fostering authentic connections between individuals.
- We often hide our true selves due to the discomfort our emotions may cause others.
- Authenticity cannot be engineered; it emerges naturally from genuine interactions with others.
Transcript
Well, welcome everyone to another episode of the Outpost podcast.
Dr. Ray Mitch:I am Dr.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Ray Mitch, your host.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Thanks so much for taking time out to listen in and maybe get some information, challenge something to think about, whatever that might be.
Dr. Ray Mitch:But I'm glad you have joined me for this brief moment in time that if you're wondering, and a lot of you who have been listening have heard me say this every time, but the Outpost is a digital place where we are building bridges back to faith or strengthening the bridges of faith that are already there.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And that's building it on.
Dr. Ray Mitch:One of the key items I want to talk about tonight is authenticity, trust and grace and truth.
Dr. Ray Mitch:So there is going to be in this outpost a commitment to intimacy, knowing and being known by others.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And that's really what we're trying to build.
Dr. Ray Mitch:This podcast is really just a way to be the voice for that because we want to create a space ultimately, even if it's initially digitally, where the doubters and the wounded and the confused and the beat up and beat down and the bent bruised who feel like their lives are a disappointment to God to feel accepted enough to be known and know others.
Dr. Ray Mitch:So we want to be a place where people can meet the biblical Jesus as he is, not as they have heard he is.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And that's a key, and it's embodied in how we relate to one another.
Dr. Ray Mitch:So pull up a chair, get comfortable, relax, and let's take some time to think about the issues that are relevant to our time.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And the one in particular thing that I wanted to focus on, and I recognize it's been a while since I've been on the podcast has been almost four or five weeks.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And full disclosure, it has been a real tough four or five weeks.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Not only by virtue of the fact that I have moved into a season where a lot of things were happening in relationship to a good friend of mine and we were having conversations relatively frequently, whether that's by text or in voice by voice, and it started to his health began to slide about this time.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And it was, it's hard to recall because at the time I wasn't thinking about it.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Obviously I didn't know the future.
Dr. Ray Mitch:But I think the challenge is, and this is really on point for what we're talking about tonight is I really quite honestly have not had much motivation to do anything.
Dr. Ray Mitch:I've had enough motivation, enough energy to get through my classes and teach and meet with people and so on and so forth.
Dr. Ray Mitch:But at certain point in my day, I'm pretty well like the Thanksgiving turkey that it announces, stick Me, I'm done.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And that's kind of where I am.
Dr. Ray Mitch:So that's what goes into.
Dr. Ray Mitch:I haven't been on for good four weeks or so, I think, probably.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Yeah.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And so one of the things I want to talk about tonight, and to some degree, I don't have to work real hard at doing it.
Dr. Ray Mitch:I say that cautiously, partly because it's a lot harder than it seems.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Now, what is the it here?
Dr. Ray Mitch:Right.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And if there is anything that I hear the most frequently among the younger generation is the importance of authenticity.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And the question, of course, is, before we get much further, is how do we define our terms?
Dr. Ray Mitch:What exactly is authenticity?
Dr. Ray Mitch:To be authentic, to be genuine, to be known as we are.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And the reality is we're not.
Dr. Ray Mitch:I, you know, I count me, count myself amongst that number.
Dr. Ray Mitch:It's hard partly because we have gotten so committed to reading the room, so to speak, or knowing the audience that we're talking to and adapting what we have to say, depending on how much I want to keep them in relationship.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And I say it that way because that's really what it's about.
Dr. Ray Mitch:It's.
Dr. Ray Mitch:It's keeping them in relationship.
Dr. Ray Mitch:It's not really giving them the freedom to choose, because I'm afraid that if they chose, they would choose not for me, but against me.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And so therefore, I am going to do everything I can to make sure that they stay in by my efforts to be who they want me to be.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And what ends up happening is one of the deeper questions behind this whole idea of authenticity is what is it?
Dr. Ray Mitch:Or who is it I'm sharing with people when I think that I'm being authentic.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Now, I'm not trying to create more questions than can be answered tonight, but I think it's worth paying attention to that.
Dr. Ray Mitch:There's a lot more to it than just, you know, being completely transparent, which, by the way, is not wise at all.
Dr. Ray Mitch:I would go even so far as to say it's just plain dumb, because most people are just, just not trustworthy enough for me to be completely transparent with all that's going on in my head or all the things that I have come out of or the things that I struggle with or whatever that might be.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Not everybody is trustworthy, which is true, but we translate that into no one is trustworthy.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And the people that are, if we spend all of our time trying to look and talk the way that we think they want us to look and talk, then when they like us and stay in relationship with us, then we can dismiss it, because, after all, I'M only giving them a part of who I am or a part of how I am.
Dr. Ray Mitch:So one of the things that I thought I would throw out here tonight just to be thinking about this is authenticity.
Dr. Ray Mitch:The minute I start trying to seek it is the moment at which I am not being authentic, because authenticity is not something that we engineer or reproduce.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Authenticity is something that is a natural part of our interactions with people.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And, you know, many, many years ago, many years ago, all the way back to the beginning of the personal computer, there was a concept, I suppose you would call it, that was very common and oftentimes was attached to when Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak created the first Macintosh.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And the user interface was called a WYSIWYG interface.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Now, what exactly does that mean?
Dr. Ray Mitch:If you're familiar at all, you will already be filling it in with what that actually means, because WYSIWYG literally means what you see is what you get, which we're very accustomed to now.
Dr. Ray Mitch:We don't even think about it in our computer screens because we have icons on our desktop that signify whether or not they're a file, whether they're a folder, whether they are a hard drive, whatever they may be.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And we don't have to guess what it is, because they literally look the way they are.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And so the challenge of authenticity is the moment I'm trying to find it, and to be it is the moment I am not it, if you want to put it that way.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And the it here is authentic because we're not present with ourselves when we're trying to be authentic or we're seeking to be, or create authenticity, if you will.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And one of the things that we talk about, certainly within the outpost, is that authenticity should be part of our relationships with one another.
Dr. Ray Mitch:In other words, what you see is what you get.
Dr. Ray Mitch:If I'm sad, I will show that I am sad.
Dr. Ray Mitch:If I am upset and frustrated, I will show that.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And in a lot of cases, we believe that only the positive emotions are approved of.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And any of the negative emotions, usually attached to anger, frustration, being depressed, anxious, et cetera, all of those are not approved of because they make someone else uncomfortable.
Dr. Ray Mitch:So essentially, what ends up happening is that my state of who I am, where I am at any given point in time, because it makes other people uncomfortable, I am prompted to hide it.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And in some cases, we not only hide it, but we condemn it.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And the bottom line is that the minute I condemn it, I am condemning me, and I'm condemning a portion of my heart that ultimately I think in a lot of cases, I desire someone to actually know it who's safe enough not to fix it for me or to tell me how I should be or how I can fix it or anything like that, but to tell it to somebody.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And we long for the very simple two little words.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Yeah, me too.
Dr. Ray Mitch:I get it.
Dr. Ray Mitch:I understand that the part of us that notices that we're not being authentic actually is.
Dr. Ray Mitch:The authentic part is one way to look at this.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And the thing that holds us hostage is fear.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Fear and shame.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And I have spent a lot of time talking about shame on the podcast and a lot of other places.
Dr. Ray Mitch:But what I'm afraid of is disconnection.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And the way that we see it and experience it is a loss of a sense of belonging.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And that is a very, very, very, very.
Dr. Ray Mitch:You get the picture.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Very powerful motivator.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Fear is a very powerful motivator.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And because of that, then I will not take the risk to be known as I am, because I am convinced that or I have already predicted the outcome as far as the people and how they will react.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Because my assumption generally is they will react to it as I react to it.
Dr. Ray Mitch:In other words, if I show you who I am, I don't like it.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And if I don't like it, you won't like it either.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And I am not going to risk having something on the outside, a person on the outside, feel the same way about me that I do about me.
Dr. Ray Mitch:It's one thing for me to feel that way, but it's quite another for somebody outside of me to agree and say, yeah, that's a problem.
Dr. Ray Mitch:But the thing that we often miss in a lot of our relationships is two little things that I think addresses some of this, and that's grace and compassion.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Compassion.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Compression.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Compassion is the me too ness of our relationships with people, where I can see I don't have to go through the identical same thing as the person, but I can see the connection to perhaps something that I have experienced or I'm even in the midst of struggling with.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Because the reality is that authenticity is based on what we are experiencing here and now, not in the future and not in the past.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And that's exactly what is so threatening, because it requires that level of vulnerability.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And so authenticity requires compassion and it requires grace.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And just understand.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And let me remind you, grace is not winking at sin.
Dr. Ray Mitch:It is not patting somebody on the head and saying, well, that's okay, don't mess up, don't do it again.
Dr. Ray Mitch:It's none of those things.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Because the reality is grace gives us something to pursue rather than the condemnation and shame that we spend most of our lives avoiding.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And so I have to move into thinking through.
Dr. Ray Mitch:If I am going to say that I want to have authenticity in my relationships, then ultimately I better start with me.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And to what degree, and this may be, feel a little bit like a mind warp.
Dr. Ray Mitch:I'll warn you ahead of time.
Dr. Ray Mitch:But perhaps where I have to start is how authentic am I with myself.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Now, some, I think, would logically say that's impossible because, you know, I'm not.
Dr. Ray Mitch:I am with myself.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And so what else is there to know?
Dr. Ray Mitch:But I think we tend to underestimate the power of denial and the power of distortion and dilution and distancing that we do about various parts of ourselves that we find condemned worthy and condemnation worthy.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And because of that, then we don't look.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And I would add that we don't have a language for it either.
Dr. Ray Mitch:We don't really label things.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Because if I label something, then I'm going to have to do something about it.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And I really don't want to do that.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And so my relationships with people, when I say that I desire authenticity, I better start with myself, ultimately.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And sharing with people that have proven themselves trustworthy, not just with anyone.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Because we've probably all been in the presence of someone who overshares and they don't even know us all that well.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And they're sharing, and it seems like they're sharing in order to create a relationship.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Instead of doing the hard work of investing in the relationship and over time, sharing.
Dr. Ray Mitch:It's almost like they're trying to microwave the relationship instead of allowing it to bake, which takes time.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And so authenticity, while good even as a value within the outpost, it takes a lot more effort and it takes a lot more commitment than I think we give it credit.
Dr. Ray Mitch:We think it comes naturally to us, and it doesn't.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And this is probably one of those places where I would say that what fits in is the concept that I've been teaching for quite some time called the stained glass self.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And essentially what I end up doing is I create the appearance of who I think the person wants in order for them to stay close and not leave me.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And that stained glass has different components and parts to it.
Dr. Ray Mitch:If you think about the stained glass, I mean, we were just reminded of it.
Dr. Ray Mitch:If you watch the news at all, Notre Dame was just reopened.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And its majestic stained glass window was impacted by the fire that had happened there.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And it had all of these various parts of it in it to refract light and to create a picture and to tell a story and all sorts of stuff.
Dr. Ray Mitch:If you've ever been in one of those cathedrals, oftentimes what runs along the sanctuary are other stained glass windows that tell stories of Jesus life or the life of a saint or an apostle or whatever that is.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And we tell those stories too with our stained glass.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And so when people accept that stained glass, thinking that it's us, we securely safe but not known, and we think the stained glass can protect us and keep people close, but it simply ends up being a tool of isolation and fueling our sense of loneliness that no one really knows me.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And the fact of the matter remains, I'm not willing to take the risk of being known because as I said before, and I say it so many times, if you knew me the way I know me, you wouldn't like me.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Therefore, I am not going to make that available to you because I know how you'll react.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And quite honestly, I'm not sure which is more jarring that somebody would react to parts of me that I have condemned like I do, or if they react to it with grace and compassion.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And I think in some respects, we probably would go running if somebody gave us grace and compassion for the things that we feel like are worthy of condemnation because we don't know what to do with that.
Dr. Ray Mitch:I mean, it is the embodiment of grace in our lives when somebody does that.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And the irony is, the exquisite irony is most people, and if you interview anyone, they will tell you, I am far more gracious with other people than I am with myself.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And so we make a mistake or we don't comply with expectations or anything else, and we spiral into this hole of condemnation because we cannot afford to make a mistake.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Now, the strange irony to that is that being human is making mistakes.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And the only way we can learn is through mistakes.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And we don't want that part of learning.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Now, sometimes we get kicked into it, or we inadvertently set ourselves up to be thrown into it, and we learn.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Oh, we learn.
Dr. Ray Mitch:It's very hard to learn that way versus being intentional about how we learn and how willing are we to meet ourselves graciously when we make a mistake.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And that's usually the biggest telltale sign of what happens with authenticity.
Dr. Ray Mitch:How often has it been that someone might say, you know, you're never wrong.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And that should be a telltale sign because it tells us that we are not willing to be seen as flawed because we don't want to admit that we are flawed.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And that's where I get, you know, I come away with, if I don't label it, it doesn't exist, it's unimportant, it doesn't matter.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And so creating a community of people around authenticity and having that be a value is a bigger deal than anybody can imagine, than you can imagine.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Because when we are a mutual community, not I will applaud your authenticity, but I'll be repulsed by mine.
Dr. Ray Mitch:But we will applaud that in other people and how courageous that is and how refreshing it is that they're authentic in that way.
Dr. Ray Mitch:But you're never going to hear me or catch me being that kind of authentic because I'm sure that other people will not respond to what I'm saying or sharing like I just did to you.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Which is interesting, right?
Dr. Ray Mitch:I mean, it is the very basis on which we create authenticity or approximate authenticity and declare it to be so when it isn't at all.
Dr. Ray Mitch:It's basically a silent agreement between two people to share just enough to look authentic and to appreciate the other person's limited authenticity in terms of what they share about themselves.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And then we're good.
Dr. Ray Mitch:But I can still hold back the things that are condemning and in my mind will ostracize me.
Dr. Ray Mitch:It will kick me out of the community in one fashion or another.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And so we have to think through when we talk about.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And this is particularly true in our community.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And I spent the last episode time before.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Last episode was an interview, if you want to hear it.
Dr. Ray Mitch:It was an interesting one with somebody that wrote about Gen Z, but it was before about trust and how do we go about trusting.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And trust is one of those values in this community and authenticity is the other one.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And in authenticity we can say we adhere to it, but it's good for you.
Dr. Ray Mitch:But I have no plan of my own to do it.
Dr. Ray Mitch:As a matter of fact, I'm not going to lead in that area.
Dr. Ray Mitch:I won't go first, even though I might hope to be a leader in a community like that.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And the challenge is what my role is in any kind of community of people.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Because my role is not only being a part of the community of that group of people, whatever it might be, but it's also leading and facilitating them to find and accept themselves.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And so, so that's true even in counseling.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And counselors have to learn about what I call strategic self disclosure.
Dr. Ray Mitch:In other words, my self disclosure is in the service of empowering somebody else to do the same.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Not being complete self disclosure because the relationship Isn't there?
Dr. Ray Mitch:Now, I have seen, just recently, even I have seen groups of young men dive into deep waters.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And it was remarkably, refreshingly, jarringly authentic.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And I think to a person that walked out of that meeting, they would say that they felt just a little bit more alive because they could be fully who they were without the stained glass hiding them from each other.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And it's not.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Listen, I am not trying to create an image of something that's easy to do.
Dr. Ray Mitch:It is not.
Dr. Ray Mitch:It's far from it.
Dr. Ray Mitch:But at the same time, I think we better check our rhetoric at the door.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And if we're going to say we want authenticity and not display it in whatever measure, depending on the nature of the other people that I'm talking to, then let's not talk about it.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Let's not say that, because it's not true.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And people will come in and what they will end up doing is condemning themselves for not being quote, unquote, authentic enough.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And the minute that word enough shows up, there's problems, because comparison is happening.
Dr. Ray Mitch:But we've created an image that we're not even willing to live up to.
Dr. Ray Mitch:So if we want a community of authenticity and a willingness to walk into each other's lives, I can't walk into somebody's life that has not invited me in.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And our authenticity is what shows that to them.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And that really is a big, big part of any community of people that I'm certainly hoping and praying that in the year to come we will see some small communities of people sprout up in various places that can be outposts for the heart, for the people that are nearby and wherever that might be.
Dr. Ray Mitch:So something to consider, just something to consider in terms of authenticity, why it is important and how we tend to dilute it in order to remain safe.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Because that's our primary motive.
Dr. Ray Mitch:It's not really to be known.
Dr. Ray Mitch:And we have to strive in some level to be wissy wig people.
Dr. Ray Mitch:It is not going to be continuous and always.
Dr. Ray Mitch:It is going to be momentary and profound, and it can be all of those things as well.
Dr. Ray Mitch:So something to consider.
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Dr. Ray Mitch:Thanks so much for joining me and as always, love you later.
Dr. Ray Mitch:Bye.
